Primitive Nature Evolving Slowly

http://youtu.be/wHx7vaa9Fwo

I heard a story in a psych class in college about trapping a spider monkey, by putting nuts in a hole just big enough for their little hands to get through.
The little guys will reach in to grab the prized item, only to find their fist full of goodies will not fit back through the hole. Unfortunately, they won't let go.... Will just sit there with their fists clenched to something that eventually takes their freedom and possibly their life.
Sounds a bit, well, nuts.....
But how often do we do the same.... Hold onto something we shouldn't, trapping us until we finally realize that all we have to do is let go.
Today I had to let go of a fistful of my crazies..... Which in turn meant letting go of someone close to me......
And I feel a freedom and light heart I didn't expect.
Everyone is in your life for a purpose.... And sometimes it's to teach a crash course in defining boundaries, or barriers you can't cross no matter how much you care.
This was my lesson.
So nice to realize an open empty hand, is ready to grasp real and sustainable/ livable outcomes.

Anyone seen my mind? I'm sure I had it right here....

Irony in my last blog title.....Memory Loop.
Have been having strong issues with memory, which seem to be increasing in degree.
A few days ago, I actually found myself using Google Maps, to find my way home......from bus stop less than a mile from my house.
Memory is an interesting thing.
If I am to lose it, I wish I could be given a check list of which ones I would like to erase.
Lots of memories that dementia could be a blessing......
Instead, I feel like an ass, trying to figure out where the hell I am, when taking a path I thought I could walk in my sleep...................
I have a call in to Neuro, but I am guessing this is just part of Chiari.......the gift that keeps on giving.

Trying to not take myself so seriously.
Typically, with these brain lapses, I shrug, and laugh it off.
Its a common joke among me and my friends.
The only difference this time is that I was alone, and frightened.........and very aware that I should know where I was.
Have had this sort of thing happen before in recent times.
Gone to coffee, only to get off the bus, and think I had stepped into another city.........glancing around at all the strange buildings, hoping for a glimpse of something familiar..........only to get back on the bus and head home; freaked out by my own confusion.

Trying to come up with more memory enhances, if you may.....I already use Catch, to catch everything I think I will remember, but know there is a good chance that I won't.........like my own address is a prime example.
Not that I live there or anything.
Seems like one of those things you could recall after 6 months of being here.

I funny memory lapse story, to break from the seriousness of the topic.
I used to be on Aricept, a medication used to treat Alzheimer's.....until I stopped all meds, fearful they were getting in between my laxative use.
Anyhow, I went to pick up my pills from the pharmacy one day, and went to enter my pin for my debit card, that I had used for years (yeah, not a good idea in day of Identity Theft, but thats besides the point)
I had no clue what my pin was as I begin to type........so I tried everything I could think of.........which eventually locked my card up.
I had to leave the pharmacy and go across street to my bank, and change my secret pin before I could take the dreaded pills that were already bagged........giving witness to my embarrassment.
I told myself the pharmacy tech knew nothing about what the medication was, or for what is was used.......just long enough to get through the moment without completely loosing myself in the sobs resting tightly in my chest.
As I walked home though, I finally did get the joke. Thanks Universe.

Trying to come up with other little memory prompts as I go.
After getting lost in my own neighborhood, I do look back, and thank God that I at least was not so confused that I didn't know how to use my smart phone...........you know, the phone smart enough to know the way home......
So I did at least cut my worries down a bit by pinning my address in the map and marking it home, to make the search easier if there is a next time.
And am thinking of putting a card in my wallet saying "If lost, please to return to...." and putting my roommates name and number on there.

There are ways to work around this.........just as I have learned with everything else with Chiari.
The key is not getting swept up in the emotions of believing I am loosing my mind, and coming up with possible hints, and solutions.

I have a freaking degree in looking outside the box, and problem solving.
Starting to understand why God had my take that route before Chiari stepped in and took center stage.

My only fear now is that I would become a burden on others, so I've come up with a plan for that as well.
Its all about planning.
I suck at planning.
Perhaps this is the lesson I need to take from this patch of thistle.
There is always a teaching moment.......even in the oddest of times.
Just need to let this teach me and not break me.
I'll tell you right now, the not breaking........that's the hardest.
Feel very alone.
And feel that is where I should be.
Why take others down this path if I might not remember them?
Already forget names so often, that hon, babe, darling, and sweetie, have become common pet names for everyone from my favorite barista, to my roommates, to the stranger on the street.........because when it comes to memory blanks, my knowledge of the name of someone I have known for years, is on equal playing ground with some lady I shared idle conversation with once on an airplane.
Brain farts do not favorites apparently.
Live and learn.
Live and learn.

However, since I have memory issues, I wonder how many times I have to go through and study the lesson.
Peace and love fellow stitches.
Take care of you and those precious moments.
If we live in the moment, memory is not a huge concept, right........too busy with the moment to care.
<3
Take care of that precious biddy stitch you occupy, and love one another. ~Biddy

Memory Loop

So I haven't gotten into a fiction since before grad school..... I attribute this to learning to speed read to get through the plethora of material required.
Read first sentence, then last..... Scan paragraph for supporting key words.... Underline and move on....
Got me by back then.....
However, this process doesn't work well with a fiction; not if you plan on enjoying it.
So my first seemingly successful conquest is one by my favorite fiction writer, Wally Lamb: The Hour I First Believed.
Odd associations with storyline.... Bringing back old memories of the age old question where were you when.....
The flash-to-the-past setting is the Columbine school shooting in '99....
The narrator is visiting aunt who had a stroke a few days before.....
Zoom in memory flash.......
The day of the shooting was my very first day away from my sister's side, just for a couple hours I was assured.....since the traumatic brain injury and stroke that put her in a coma that January.....
My mother and I had gone back to my parents house to shower and allow her to grab a few clean outfits.
I was lying on her bed catching up on news of the world, outside of hospital walls, when CNN broke to live coverage as the story unfolded.
Watched in a surreal confusion as kids climbed out windows and talks if a shooter or two being still at large inside...
My personal shock from my family situation and earlier conversation in car, numbed me from realization of horror I was watching for a moment. Remember thinking I was desensitized until I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks, as the fatal shooting sounds quieted and the news speculated that perhaps the shooters were down....
Oh my God, these are all just babies!!! Realization pulled me out of my own head and focused on live drama playing out on my tv screen.
Tears that hadn't spilt for myself or loved ones, flowed freely for these strangers.
Had to explain those unfamiliar watermarks as my mother emerged from bathroom......
Now I remember the date.... The exact date of a conversation that plagues my brain.
First time my mother and I had alone alone, on long highway back from downtown.
It should have been you
The phrase stuck spinning in my head.
The phrase I had already thought, but first time spoken out loud by another person, at least in my presence.
.... Not meant in malice. Not meant to harm....
Just a fact.
I was the one who should have died of anorexia years before.
I was the daughter they expected to never see again.
And now the prized daughter was the one who would be lost without the finalization of a funeral.
A possible vegetable.
After being the basket where all the eggs were stacked.....
Weird to know the exact day of that conversation now that this book is flooding it back into full memory.
Guess there is reason this was the fiction I would finally pick up.
A reason perhaps that I am supposed to remember.....
To move on.....
Or re-live
The choice is mine and mine alone.
Don't want to read another sentence.... Yet am now feeling connected to this fictional stitch. Lol!
The universe is full of interesting plot twists....

Weaving looms of hope

And just wanted to share with you all this mans story I just met on sidewalk and sat down with for a bit.....
In 50s and has been on the streets for over six months Still bares great light even though his face and clothing are dirty, and hands are worn....
His smile is not
His voice is tired.... Yet his spirit is not.
He feels things will change for him this Tuesday and I told him I hoped he was right.
Until then, he's just "hanging tight and enjoying the sun"
Said "I'm more optimistic than most homeless. That's because I have hope"
Have hope dear stitches.... Our Tuesday is coming.

Should I stay or should I go.....

Ive been in day treatment fir a while, for the anorexia. And today I walked out of group because I felt like I would cry..... And there was absolutely no reason within me.
Just a deep sadness.
Stepped out in lobby and felt huge relief....
Thinking I am drawing on someone else's energy. There are a few possible sources. Wish I knew which one felt such grief.... Wish that I could reach out and touch their soul..... Somehow make things better.
Do something to take away the agonizing pain.
Feel so insignificant..... So helpless.
So unable to make the slightest positive difference.
Oddly instead of trying I just want to flee and go home for the day..... Just to escape that dreadful feeling.
But something makes me stay....

Biddy Bit of Kindness Travels

Very cool happening yesterday..... A reminder of something I already knew.....keep being kind to others even if they're unkind to you.
Of course thus doesn't mean to submerge yourself into life of being surrounded by negative energy..... But sometimes I do find myself where I do have to continually be in contact with people whose energy is less than positive for whatever reason that may be.
One I constantly come across is this bus driver, who upon first meeting,tore me a new ass.  It was a communication error, where he didn't take what I was saying with the humor intended......and I tried to explain, but he was on a one-track monologue..  
So instead of digging the whole deeper, I had just sat down, and attempted to send positive energy his way, and smile genuinely in his direction......which only pissed the poor guy off more......
totally unintended.
And still when I got off the bus, I thanked him, and bid him good day.....and truly hoped he would have a better day.

Since that day, the universe's cruel joke is to have us come across each other often.
I remain kind........typically without words, because you only have to yell at Biddy once for me to take note and learn from experience.........however, I always smile,and always thank him for ride, and bid him good day.

Yesterday, he was kind in return.  He pulled the bus up super close to curb so I wouldn't have difficulty getting in with my bags and my cane (my roommate calls me the bag lady for my determine to use reusable bags everywhere, but that is another story for another day)
So I thanked him.
And he said "sure" -----with a smile in his tone........not on his face.  That still appeared grumpy.
But his tone definitely had a smile in it!

Now he did proceed to get into a fight with another passenger only moments later, but baby steps people.
We can't expect to be holding hands singing Kumbaya, or We Are The World......

Well,at least not yet.

But he did give me a small gift.
A reminder to not wait for others to be kind to show love and compassion to them.
If we hold off we won't we able to teach them how.....or give a hand out of a dark space...........one we all are in from time to time.
And if I continue to be kind to this guy, or the random check-out person with a grumpy attitude........It might cause subtle changes over time.
Maybe not big changes,but hey maybe next time he will smile with his face for a brief second........or yell at me again......doesn't matter.
What matters is the energy I am giving off.
And sometimes that makes a difference.
Peace with you stitches. May we all be kind............even when we don't want to ;-)

Biddy Blinders

Today I received a gift....a priceless gift from the Universe. Just when I thought compassion was so lacking, I was reminded to take my blinders off on what I was seeing right in front of me,  and notice the bigger picture.
The cool thing is that I wasn't the only witness.
Instead of telling you each detail, I will let you read the story as it occurred on Facebook.

Compassion.
So simple.
Why so lacking?

C:  What's your opinion?

Biddy Stitch: Sorry so bleak. Just saw two heart- breaking sagas unfold in front of my eyes and the lack of compassion that surrounded both.
In both situations the men appeared homeless and were treated like blisters on the feet of humanity.
I even doubt the 2nd one, which I called paramedics for, was even homeless. Just thought to be, and ignored and mistreated.

I see such a lack of compassion towards the homeless in this city..... There is true compassion.... But faced head on, people just look the other way or call cops on someone just taking a load off

A:  that is so sad. It amazes me how people can just "look past things" because they don't think they directly affect them. What they don't realize is we all are part of the same universe, and it is our responsibility to show love, kindness, compassion and care for one another. It makes me very sad too. But just remember there are also a lot of people who do "get it."

C: Not bleak, just aware. Many people look for reasons to be offended by everything and everyone. I believe that compassion stems from empathy, but I don't think you can have either without judgment. I remind myself that people project what they truly feel inside, not to judge, but instead to keep me from judging and getting caught up in their mess.

A: OR...remember the old saying.."karma is a bitch." LOL

C: But really the way I feel about things is that I do what I believe to be right, when I can the best way I can and I don't worry so much about what others do or don't do, I focus mainly on what I do. It keeps me where I want to be, always moving forward. I sense that your essence is kindness and compassion, and I'd say embrace it.

Biddy Stitch: Yeah. The 2nd one I tried to get others involved because I was afraid.... Fearful of being wrong. Fearful of waking him and not having good reaction. But no one wanted to be bothered. Said he's just homeless or drunk.
But he didn't have anything with .
 I do realize its not about how others respond. Just breaks my heart to see someone not being cared for.

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NEXT POST ONLY MOMENTS LATER.........

No shit the Universe just provided me a little treat....
Complaining of lack if compassion and some woman came over and said she sensed something going wrong in my body and asked if she could pray for me......
Told her she was welcome to, I didn't see what it would hurt.
She said she has gift of healing.... Prayed and left.
We will see Monday if her prayer was answered in some minor health stuff I have going on.....
Point is, she sensed something and stopped.
Of course I think I've rarely lacked compassion from others towards myself. But that's not what the Universe was trying to point out I think. ;)