Welcome to My Journey

This is the story of a single stitch from the universal blanket as I try to get out of a snag. Instead, I get myself in a bunch of knots, but you'll see that things always work out the way they are suppose to in the end. Welcome to the journey, feel free to pipe in. This is subject to copyright, and must have my consent for partial or whole copies. Feel free to email me, or message. Would be happy to meet fellow stitches out there ;) I'm interested in hearing your stories as well. ~Biddy

Monday, August 19

The Mindful Wait

A mediation exercise I read yesterday suggested putting a W on timepieces (clock,watch,cell phone).... To remind that while waiting in line or for someone else, could spend that time practicing being mindful and or meditating.....
Stated instead of feeling frustrated or rushed, take the time to relax.... And I'm thinking oh I have no problem with the wait....don't get frustrated waiting in line..... We were all taught how to be patient in line in kindergarten. So silly...
However, I did like idea that there are always little holes in our time we don't even notice perhaps....
Yet later in evening while standing in line judging that person in front of me had well over twice the 20 items.... Lol.... 
Looking down at cell, i see my little W.....
Ahh oh yeah....
Reminded subtly, I had just been given the gift of a still moment.  

Saturday, July 13

Careless Words

Bought several near death clearance almost-paid-me-2-take-them plants.....
My sister asked what I was going to do with them.
Probably kill em I replied..... Glancing over at plants sitting next to me I explained I was only kidding..... That I plan to provide them with a loving, safe, comfortable environment where they can thrive and grow healthy.
My sister then asked where I would plant them.
Eeek.....Had to quickly explain to plants that its a grill re-purposed into a wonderful planter home for them......
Incidentally, plants now feeling a bit apprehensive about new home I imagine.....

Biddy Splashes of Zen

Sitting on back patio this am, emerged in the music of nearby birds and crickets.....listening for two of the triplets, who have flown their way out of the chimney into the vast new world........(poor little one still not ready to fly, sits lone in the fireplace......However, Momma Swift and siblings do come back to visit).........
........sitting with my stack of books, reading by candle light.........
Enjoying the coolness of the thick humid air, not yet heated by the morning sun.......
And in my readings I come across the art of sweeping......being in the moment.......hearing the sound of the broom as it dances across the floor..........contemplating the world of molecules gathered.......the ancients who gathered and bound straw to do same......the motion, and feel of broomstick in your hand..........
And I thought......
"shoot.....I really should to get back to cleaning..."
Peace in your day fellow stitches. may you get caught up in moment, and not distracted by shoulds 

Tuesday, March 19

Primitive Nature Evolving Slowly


I heard a story in a psych class in college about trapping a spider monkey, by putting nuts in a hole just big enough for their little hands to get through.
The little guys will reach in to grab the prized item, only to find their fist full of goodies will not fit back through the hole. Unfortunately, they won't let go.... Will just sit there with their fists clenched to something that eventually takes their freedom and possibly their life.
Sounds a bit, well, nuts.....
But how often do we do the same.... Hold onto something we shouldn't, trapping us until we finally realize that all we have to do is let go.
Today I had to let go of a fistful of my crazies..... Which in turn meant letting go of someone close to me......
And I feel a freedom and light heart I didn't expect.
Everyone is in your life for a purpose.... And sometimes it's to teach a crash course in defining boundaries, or barriers you can't cross no matter how much you care.
This was my lesson.
So nice to realize an open empty hand, is ready to grasp real and sustainable/ livable outcomes.

Friday, March 15

Anyone seen my mind? I'm sure I had it right here....

Irony in my last blog title.....Memory Loop.
Have been having strong issues with memory, which seem to be increasing in degree.
A few days ago, I actually found myself using Google Maps, to find my way home......from bus stop less than a mile from my house.
Memory is an interesting thing.
If I am to lose it, I wish I could be given a check list of which ones I would like to erase.
Lots of memories that dementia could be a blessing......
Instead, I feel like an ass, trying to figure out where the hell I am, when taking a path I thought I could walk in my sleep...................
I have a call in to Neuro, but I am guessing this is just part of Chiari.......the gift that keeps on giving.

Trying to not take myself so seriously.
Typically, with these brain lapses, I shrug, and laugh it off.
Its a common joke among me and my friends.
The only difference this time is that I was alone, and frightened.........and very aware that I should know where I was.
Have had this sort of thing happen before in recent times.
Gone to coffee, only to get off the bus, and think I had stepped into another city.........glancing around at all the strange buildings, hoping for a glimpse of something familiar..........only to get back on the bus and head home; freaked out by my own confusion.

Trying to come up with more memory enhances, if you may.....I already use Catch, to catch everything I think I will remember, but know there is a good chance that I won't.........like my own address is a prime example.
Not that I live there or anything.
Seems like one of those things you could recall after 6 months of being here.

I funny memory lapse story, to break from the seriousness of the topic.
I used to be on Aricept, a medication used to treat Alzheimer's.....until I stopped all meds, fearful they were getting in between my laxative use.
Anyhow, I went to pick up my pills from the pharmacy one day, and went to enter my pin for my debit card, that I had used for years (yeah, not a good idea in day of Identity Theft, but thats besides the point)
I had no clue what my pin was as I begin to type........so I tried everything I could think of.........which eventually locked my card up.
I had to leave the pharmacy and go across street to my bank, and change my secret pin before I could take the dreaded pills that were already bagged........giving witness to my embarrassment.
I told myself the pharmacy tech knew nothing about what the medication was, or for what is was used.......just long enough to get through the moment without completely loosing myself in the sobs resting tightly in my chest.
As I walked home though, I finally did get the joke. Thanks Universe.

Trying to come up with other little memory prompts as I go.
After getting lost in my own neighborhood, I do look back, and thank God that I at least was not so confused that I didn't know how to use my smart phone...........you know, the phone smart enough to know the way home......
So I did at least cut my worries down a bit by pinning my address in the map and marking it home, to make the search easier if there is a next time.
And am thinking of putting a card in my wallet saying "If lost, please to return to...." and putting my roommates name and number on there.

There are ways to work around this.........just as I have learned with everything else with Chiari.
The key is not getting swept up in the emotions of believing I am loosing my mind, and coming up with possible hints, and solutions.

I have a freaking degree in looking outside the box, and problem solving.
Starting to understand why God had my take that route before Chiari stepped in and took center stage.

My only fear now is that I would become a burden on others, so I've come up with a plan for that as well.
Its all about planning.
I suck at planning.
Perhaps this is the lesson I need to take from this patch of thistle.
There is always a teaching moment.......even in the oddest of times.
Just need to let this teach me and not break me.
I'll tell you right now, the not breaking........that's the hardest.
Feel very alone.
And feel that is where I should be.
Why take others down this path if I might not remember them?
Already forget names so often, that hon, babe, darling, and sweetie, have become common pet names for everyone from my favorite barista, to my roommates, to the stranger on the street.........because when it comes to memory blanks, my knowledge of the name of someone I have known for years, is on equal playing ground with some lady I shared idle conversation with once on an airplane.
Brain farts do not favorites apparently.
Live and learn.
Live and learn.

However, since I have memory issues, I wonder how many times I have to go through and study the lesson.
Peace and love fellow stitches.
Take care of you and those precious moments.
If we live in the moment, memory is not a huge concept, right........too busy with the moment to care.
Take care of that precious biddy stitch you occupy, and love one another. ~Biddy

Sunday, March 10

Memory Loop

So I haven't gotten into a fiction since before grad school..... I attribute this to learning to speed read to get through the plethora of material required.
Read first sentence, then last..... Scan paragraph for supporting key words.... Underline and move on....
Got me by back then.....
However, this process doesn't work well with a fiction; not if you plan on enjoying it.
So my first seemingly successful conquest is one by my favorite fiction writer, Wally Lamb: The Hour I First Believed.
Odd associations with storyline.... Bringing back old memories of the age old question where were you when.....
The flash-to-the-past setting is the Columbine school shooting in '99....
The narrator is visiting aunt who had a stroke a few days before.....
Zoom in memory flash.......
The day of the shooting was my very first day away from my sister's side, just for a couple hours I was assured.....since the traumatic brain injury and stroke that put her in a coma that January.....
My mother and I had gone back to my parents house to shower and allow her to grab a few clean outfits.
I was lying on her bed catching up on news of the world, outside of hospital walls, when CNN broke to live coverage as the story unfolded.
Watched in a surreal confusion as kids climbed out windows and talks if a shooter or two being still at large inside...
My personal shock from my family situation and earlier conversation in car, numbed me from realization of horror I was watching for a moment. Remember thinking I was desensitized until I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks, as the fatal shooting sounds quieted and the news speculated that perhaps the shooters were down....
Oh my God, these are all just babies!!! Realization pulled me out of my own head and focused on live drama playing out on my tv screen.
Tears that hadn't spilt for myself or loved ones, flowed freely for these strangers.
Had to explain those unfamiliar watermarks as my mother emerged from bathroom......
Now I remember the date.... The exact date of a conversation that plagues my brain.
First time my mother and I had alone alone, on long highway back from downtown.
It should have been you
The phrase stuck spinning in my head.
The phrase I had already thought, but first time spoken out loud by another person, at least in my presence.
.... Not meant in malice. Not meant to harm....
Just a fact.
I was the one who should have died of anorexia years before.
I was the daughter they expected to never see again.
And now the prized daughter was the one who would be lost without the finalization of a funeral.
A possible vegetable.
After being the basket where all the eggs were stacked.....
Weird to know the exact day of that conversation now that this book is flooding it back into full memory.
Guess there is reason this was the fiction I would finally pick up.
A reason perhaps that I am supposed to remember.....
To move on.....
Or re-live
The choice is mine and mine alone.
Don't want to read another sentence.... Yet am now feeling connected to this fictional stitch. Lol!
The universe is full of interesting plot twists....